The One Who Saved Me (Phanfic)
by SumMeUp
Summary: Meet Dan Howell, a 17 year old boy who just happens to be openly bisexual in a very homophobic town. Dan gets bullied everyday so much so that he is driven to self-harm. Meet Phil, a very popular youtuber who Dan just happens to have a massive crush on. Can Phil be the one to save Dan?
1. Chapter 1

As I started my walk home from school I put my headphones on, hoping to avoid the words of my fellow schoolmates. As I walked I found myself wishing that maybe just maybe today would be the day that the boys wouldn't bother me. I continued to walk and soon felt the presence of a group of people around me.

"Hey where's your boyfriend Queer?" One of the boys, Jake, pushed me as he talked. I recovered from the push and continued to walk, not looking or paying attention to them at all. I felt arms grab the top of my arm, squeezing. I knew what was coming next and I started to brace myself. No matter how many times and how many days this happened I found myself wishing, dreaming and hoping for a different life. A life where I had friends, I wasn't hated and a life where I wasn't beat up everyday. But as the boy's grip grew tighter I knew that would never happen and let my dream slip away.

"Answer him when he talks to you fag." Another one of the boys pushed me into the near by fence. The insults started to fly and shortly after so did the punches and kicks. I bit my lip to avoid screaming in pain as the group of boys started to beat me. Always avoiding my face where bruises would be shown and questions would be asked. I forced my mind to think elsewhere, not giving the boys the satisfaction of screaming. The beating finally ended and the group left me alone, wheezing in pain. Each breath wracked my body with pain and I blinked back tears. People passed by looking at me in disgust as I lied on the ground, the queer from their school, they were used to it by now. As was I. I was used to the insults, the hatred and the disgust from majority of my school. I lied on the ground until I was able to breathe without feeling like I was going cough up any blood. I stood on shaky legs and started to make my way to the safety of my home, where no one would bother me and I could escape into my own world. It was shocking how used to walking home in pain I was and quite frankly I was scared about how familiar I was with the pain. I continued to make my way home as fast as I could trying hard to ignore the pain flaring in my ribs. Each step ignited a new fire in my stomach igniting the adrenaline in my system making each nerve tingle with the new sensation. The pain slowly started to ease away as the adrenaline kicked in, making it easier to walk faster and in turn get home to my safe house. Finally my house came into view and I felt the relief in my heart, I was almost home where I could be alone. My hand shook as I fiddled with my house keys, finally the door clicked open and I entered into my house. I let my backpack hit the ground and slipped my shoes off slowly.

"Hello?" I called out, knowing that no one was home so I wouldn't get a reply. No one ever came home until late at night, both of my parents were devoted to their work and really didn't care about my life. I sighed as I started to make my way up the stairs to my room. Blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall, I opened my door and grabbed my computer before collapsing on the bed. I curled into a ball, my hand draped across my stomach to keep the pain to a minimum. In the solitude of my room I finally allowed myself to break down and slip into my normal routine. I let all the tears fall down my face in hot, angry, fat tears as I let go off all the pain I had been holding in all day. I let myself cry until there were no more tears to fall and then I opened my computer, seeing the familiar screen of YouTube pop up. I typed in the familiar name and very a soothing calm washed over me as his face appeared on my screen. His blue eyes and long black hair was a comfort to me as I listened to his stories of the days he had, watched his weird videos and all in all felt a connection I hadn't felt with anyone ever. The only problem was that we hadn't actually met in person. I mean over the past couple months I had been commenting on all his videos, tweeting him and making slightly stalkerish actions toward him, but it was one of the only ways that I found my life slightly bearable.

After I finished watching his new video, I logged on to facebook. It was part of my routine, but every night I regretted it. As soon as I logged on the 24 new notifications caught my eye. I clicked on it, regretting my decision almost instantly. All 24 notifications were from the group of bullies posting insults about me and my sexuality. You see what they were calling me, fag and queer and fairy, wouldn't bother me or hurt me if it wasn't true. I am bisexual in an extremely homophobic town and everyday I felt the consequences of liking both genders. With the new material in my mind I grabbed the razor in my nightstand drawer. It was cold in my hand as I looked at it. Sighing I lifted the sleeve of my shirt and placed the razor to my wrist, next to all the other scars and cuts that were still marked on it. I never liked doing this but sometimes it all got too much for me to handle so I had too. Sure I was used to the beating but that doesn't mean I could handle them. I was about to put pressure on the razor to make my first cut when my phone buzzed beside me. I placed the razor down and picked up my phone, perplexed as to who would be texting me of all people. I unlocked the screen just to discover that it was a tweet from my favourite youtuber, or better known as AmazingPhil.

" AmazingPhil: danisnotonfire I missed your comment on my video today! Letting me down!"

I laughed slightly, the sound strange to my ear and quickly opened YouTube back up. Opening up Phil's new video, I quickly typed a new comment.

"Danisnotonfire: Dear Phil, what an amazing video like always you sexy man."

I chuckled again slightly as I pressed the okay button, sending the comment into space. As I thought to myself how strange it was to be laughing again all because of one guy from over the internet, who I have never met in person or had a real conversation with, I felt slightly comforted. This guy had no clue about me or my life or what people thought of me. It was a clean slate to a guy who I'd probably never meet and that made me feel immensely happy, leaving the razor to go back into the drawer forgotten about until another day.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up can be such a blissful feeling sometimes. For those couple seconds or minutes, you forget about your life and live in the dream world you were in just a couple minutes ago. But once you're awake the reality comes crashing back down on you once again harder than the day before and the blissful feeling slips away into one of dread. As you start to get ready for work or school or whatever you have planned that day you feel the dread falling harder and harder and the moment where you need to go into the human world comes closer and closer, until you are standing at the door with your hand on the handle debating with yourself. The dread, the anxiety and the worry all pool in your stomach as you open the door and step out into the world, wondering what bad thing would happen today. As you walk to school or drive to work, the feeling gets stronger and stronger, until it becomes hard to breathe and no matter how hard you try to shake these feelings throughout the day, they stay with you, adding weight, stress and unwanted pressure.

This was my life everyday and everyday it got harder to keep going. My alarm beeped loudly in my ear signalling it was time to wake up, I rolled over and hit the snooze button for the second time and lay back on my back. As I stared up at the ceiling I allowed myself to sink into the dream life for another 10 minutes before I would have to endure the harsh reality. In what felt like only a minute my alarm sounded again. I groaned and forced myself to sit up, looking around the dark room and wishing that I could stay in here for life. Groaning, I stood up and got out of bed, grabbing my towels and making my way slowly to the warmth of the shower. As I stepped into the tile of the shower, I turned on the water letting it cascade over me. My mind was whirring with a million thoughts, majority of them regarding how much pain my ribs were in from the beating I had endured. I made the water as hot as I could possibly bear it without burning my skin off and sat in the water along it to turn my skin red and raw. The water still wasn't enough to quite my thoughts and my eyes flicked toward the metal object on the side. I sighed loudly and snatched up the metal piece quickly pressing and slicing, turning the water red. It was a soothing feeling and as I sliced my mind became quiet. I put the razor down only once my mind was silent and I could think once again. I reminded myself as I lay the razor back down that I couldn't keep going so long without doing it just once or else I was going to go crazy inside my head. With the relief washing over me I finished my shower, careful to avoid the fresh cuts scattered across my wrist. 20 minutes later I was dressed and just finishing straightening my hair, checking my watching and prolonging my the time that I would have to leave for school, I took my time finishing my hair. When I was as pleased as I ever was with my hair I shut my straightener off and stood up, stretching loudly. I looked at my watch for another time and sighed realizing that if I didn't leave within the next 5 minutes I would be late to class and no one would want that. I quickly grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, yelling a silent goodbye to my sleeping parents and locked the door behind me as I started my walk to school. I put my headphones in my ears and let my mind go blank as I made the mindless walk to school. I ignored the people passing me as I kept my eyes glued to the ground as I walked, trying my hardest to avoid eye contact with anyone. I walked fast, hoping to get to class early to avoid any conflict in the halls. As I walked I kicked some of the dead leaves that had already started to fall off the trees, I sighed knowing now that it was October soon everything would be dead because of winter. I walked as fast as I could until I got to the school.

The schoolyard was full of the different cliques sitting and waiting for the bell to ring. I kept my eyes glued to the ground as I walked, opening the door and looking only and my feet walking along the brown tiles. As I walked I caught the snippets of certain peoples conversations, making me shake my head with some of the things people were saying. Some people in my school were just beyond stupid that they should be ashamed, but of course I didn't say anything. Walking through the school halls was one of the toughest things for me to do each day, afraid of what people were going to say or do and it gave me intense anxiety anytime someone even brushed my shoulder while they walked. As I walked to my first period class I struggled to keep my breath even while keeping my eyes locked to the ground, if I had only lifted my eyes up a couple of centimetres I would have seen the biggest Jock in the school and would have avoided the collision. However that did not happen and my eyes stayed locked to the ground causing me to bump right into him.

"What where you're-"He cut his sentence off as he turned around to see that it was me who bumped into him. My eyes were wide with fear and I was having immense troubles breathing as he looked at me, nostrils flaring and eyes ablaze with anger. "Oh it was you was it? Well listen, I don't like little faggots touching my skin so we're going to have to solve this somehow." He made a fist and cracked his knuckles (how cliché of bullies to do this right) and started to gain on me when all of a sudden a teacher popped around the corner stopping him in his tracks. He couldn't possibly dare to do anything with a teacher watching and for a few seconds I was slightly relief. " Fine we'll settle this after school." And with that he walked away leaving me rattled. I sighed heavily and returned my eyes to the ground, slightly higher than last time, continuing my walk to my class.

I spent the rest of the day in classes or the library to avoid giving anyone the chance of beating me up. However, as I sat in my last class 5 minutes from the bell ringing I started to become very anxious. I would literally have to sprint home in order to beat the bullies and there was no way I would be able to run all the way home since I couldn't run more than a few feet without feeling like my lungs were going to explore. The time ticked away and with each tick my heart sped up. With only 30 seconds until the end of the day I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, gripping it tightly and getting ready for my mad dash home. The bell rung and the class filed out quickly chatting loudly at the excitement of the end of the day. I was the last one to leave the class and as soon as I was outside of the school building I started running. I pushed my legs making them move as fast as they possibly could without breaking. Within only a couple of minutes my lungs and throat were burning, my legs felt like they were going to give out and my eyes were watering from the pain but I kept running knowing if I stopped now it would only be worse. Finally, after what felt like 2 hours, my house came into view and I broke out into my finally sprint reaching the front door. My hand shook madly as I attempted to stick the key into the hole to open the door. The door sprung open and I shut it behind me quickly, sliding down the door, my whole body burning and shaking. I wheezed and heaved as I attempted to breathe, each breath feeling like fire in my lungs. I had made it home without anyone catching me, making me feel immensely relieved. I knew that tomorrow was going to be much worse since I ran, but that was tomorrow.

When i could stand without feeling like i was going to pass out or cough up blood, i dragged myself up to my bedroom. With each stepped i took my heart beated a little faster and by the time i had reached my door i actually had butterflies in my stomach. This couldn't be good. See Phil and I had been DMing each other for the past couple of week after we had (most Phil because i was a stalker and knew alot about him already) found out that we had a llot in common. As I sat on my bed waiting for my computer to log on and open twitter, i felt my anticipation grow to see what Phil had written. I knew my obsession over Phil wasn't healthy, but he was the only good thing in my life and i was going to cling to him as much as i could to convince myself it wasn't all bad. Finally twitter loaded up my DMs and the blue dot beside Phil's name made my heart lleap a little. Clicking on it, i read it over quickly giving out a huge sigh.

" AmazingPhil: Dan its October 16 ! That means its been almost a month since you said you would do it, so you need to do it NOW! XD"

I sighed again and let my eyes wander around the room, knowing i needed to do what Phil wanted. I quickly grabbed my laptop and placed it on the desk, sitting in front of it awkwardly. This was going to be interesting.

**AN: Okay so this chapter is pretty bad because what happened was i had half of it written on wednesday and then yesterday night i finished it but something went wrong with my microsoft and it didn't save so tonight when i got home from work i had to rewrite the whole half of the chapter that i had already written and then the last 4 maybe 5 paragraphs my microsoft kept shutting down with saving any of it so it was just a terrible mixture of computer problems ugh. BUT**

**Thank you to anyone who said they liked my first chapter, it was really encouraging! Does anyone know what happened on October 16? (: **


	3. Chapter 3

I searched my house, my room, my attic, and my basement, everywhere to find anything that could be even remotely funny. I ended up finding a bunch of random items like a toad stuffed animal, a slinky, a polar bear, some sunglasses and a bunch of other things. I sighed knowing that this video was going to be absolutely terrible, but I promised Phil that I would do this so I switched on the camera and started to film. After taking a million retakes to make sure that it wasn't as bad as I knew it was, I quickly edited my terrible video and logged on to YouTube. I found my heart beating faster as my mouse hovered over the upload button. I knew this was a bad idea it was just giving the chance for thousands and thousands of people to sit behind a computer screen and judge me even more. Did I really need even more people telling me what I already knew? I shook my head and was just about to shut down the window when Phil popped into my head. I quickly hit the upload button and found myself spiralling into darkness. My breathing quickened, my heart beating fast and my head spinning. My anxiety got the best of me as I watched the video upload to a place where I wouldn't have control anymore. With my world spiralling over of control I found comfort in the painful and cold embrace of the razor to my wrist. After the blood had stopped flowing I found myself slipping into unconsciousness.

I awoke the next day to dried blood along my arm and hand, I sighed getting up and walking to the bathroom to wash off the dried blood. It was a Saturday today but still my parents were already gone to work, leaving me alone in the house. My heart and wrist tingled with the thought of having to look at what people had said on my video. I opened the website and forced myself to take deep breaths before I opened up the video manager to see what people had thought. My heart dropped and nausea rolled over me. One like and over a thousand dislikes. Almost two thousand views and what seemed like a million comments. I scrolled through the comments, each of them feeling like a stab right to the heart. So many of the comments talked about how gay I seemed, gay emo scum, poser, and so many other things. I knew I shouldn't keep reading but I did all the way to the first comment, which just so happened to be Phil, what a shocker.

" AmazingPhil: YAY Dan! You did it! Can't wait to see more you sexy human being!

I felt tears start to well in my eyes and spill over, the warmth falling on my cheek. I breathed a ragged breath as I wiped away a tear that had fallen down my neck. Normal people wouldn't be crying over a stupid comment from an internet friend, because just to see one person be nice in all that ugly would be amazing and comforting to a normal person. But all I could think about was the fact that Phil would have seen all this ugly comments and would make him end up hating me in the future. Angry with myself I grabbed the razor off the table and destroyed my arm once again, but only after deleting the video and ultimately destroying anything more that could harm me. I wrapped my arm in gauze due to how much I had cut my arm. The room was becoming slightly hazy and I crawled into bed, wrapping the covers around me and slipping into oblivion.

I stayed in my bed, wrapped in my blankets sleeping as much as I could or occasionally crying and going to the bathroom until Monday morning when my alarm went off for school. I groaned, my body creaking as I finally got out of bed and made my way slowly to the shower. The hot water washed over my body, getting rid of all of the dirt, grime, grease, blood and tears that were still on my body from the weekend. The water burned my skin red as I scrubbed trying to get rid of the awful memories from the video. I felt myself starting to spiral into the darkness again and let it consume me on my walk to school; during school and my walk home, where coincidentally the bullies had happened to watch my video making it ten times worse. It was suffice to say that I welcomed the darkness which allowed to me to be uncaring in my day, however the darkness also made me want to curl into a ball and die, but I couldn't very well do that. The school day was a blur, a blur of just wanting to go home and sleep and forget, I didn't even remember the beating I took from the bullies but I do remember my bed. It smelt slightly funny like me lying in it for the past weekend had affected the smell, but it was comforting and I fully allowed the darkness to encompass me. I didn't know how long I had been curled up in bed for and I did not know the time (it was dark outside was all I could gather) but my phone buzzed. My arm felt heavy as I reached for my phone, like my body could not hold the weight of my body any longer. The light from my phone was blinding in the darkness of the night and I had to blink a couple times before I could actually read what it said.

" AmazingPhil: Dan why did you delete your video? It was good, make another one. This is what you wanted, remember?"

I felt more warm tears spill down my face at Phil's DM. "This is what you wanted, remember?" It sounded so bad like I had wanted to feel this way, like I had wanted to be hated by everyone, like I wanted to be alone, like I wanted to hate my life and myself. Like I had chosen the life I was forced to live. But it was true in a way, I had always fantasied about living the youtuber life, with youtuber friends and followers and all that, but I should have known it was all just one dumb fantasy. I should have realized that I would never get that. I was forced and doomed to live a life hated and despised because that is what I was worth to others and myself. I clicked the top button of my phone as another DM came in.

" AmazingPhi: Dan I know you saw that, why aren't you answering me? Your video wasn't that bad."

I ignored the DM once again, and let the blackness of night surround me once again. About a half and hour later one more DM came in.

" AmazingPhil: Fine Dan. Be that way. I'll be here until you want to talk to me again. Just remember it wasn't that bad!"

I was filled with rage at Phil's DM. The way he talked to me like I had a choice was angering me. I did not have a choice. My fantasy world did not exist. I would never have friends. I would never be accepted. I would never be happy. I threw my phone at the wall, hearing it smash but not caring, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend to be fine anymore. I knew that I had to live for at least a little while longer, but that didn't mean I had to be happy or care, so I let the blackness take over.

And that was the start of a long year. I didn't go out, I didn't socialize, I didn't talk to anyone. Not my parents, not Phil, not teachers and not the bullies. I was in my own little shell surrounded by the darkness that was my life. I found myself wishing more and more that it could just end, but I forced myself to wait until at least I started Uni and maybe then. It wasn't until Uni that things started to look up for me, or at least I thought they did, but my thoughts are always wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Well hello long time no write! I was on vacation so ya haha, this is unedited because i didn't have time or energy or health to edit it so sorry, but enjoy ! **

I walked around my town, it was 3 in the morning so everyone was sleeping which allowed me to think clearly. I thought back to my room where everything was packed already, all my clothes and my personal items. Tomorrow was the day, the day in which I will never have to see this town again if I don't want to. The day in which I forget my old life and start all over. The day that I start Uni. As I walk down the desolate streets my heart started racing. I had so many fears surrounding tomorrow that I couldn't even fathom. What if it was like high school, but worse? I sighed and started to run, I ran for as long as I could without feeling like my lungs were going to give out. I knew I would be leaving behind everything that existed in my life here, including my parents, but I couldn't help feel like things could go terribly wrong there nonetheless.

When the sun had started rising I started to make my way back to my house for probably one of the last times. As I got close to my house I stopped, just staring and taking in everything that I saw. I stared until I thought that it was committed to memory and that I would never forget it. He's getting sentimental, you ask? No, I'm just trying to remember all of the terrible things that happened to me here so that no one, ever would have to face this the way I did. When I entered the house, my parents were up and sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

"We are leaving in half an hour, make sure everything you need to bring is packed." My father didn't even look up from the newspaper as he spoke, but I nodded all the same. I slowly climbed my stairs for the last time and entered my room. Over the past year this had been my sanctuary, allowing me to stay hidden. A place where I could forget what was happening and allow all of the terrible things to stay outside of the door. I did a final sweep of the room to make sure nothing important had been left behind, this is when I had found my razors. I stared at them, my hands shaking, the metal seemed to glint in the light making me feel sick. As I looked down at my wrist I suddenly imagined all the blood pooling at the bottom of the floor, dripping off my wrist as I slice and slice and slice and slice. My eyes flash back to that terrible day, the last day I had cut. It seemed like a lifetime I go but really it was only a month ago that I sat on my bed, the razor pressed to my skin ready to cut so deep that there would be no possible way to repair me. I sat on my bed the tears rolling off my chin onto my bed, my whole body shaking, with the razors pressed to my skin. I made one cut, the tiniest cut that I had ever made, and my body collapsed into sobs. That was the last time that I had used the razors, but I threw them into my backpack, just in case. When my room was clean, everything put into the boxes, and my bed was stripped, I sat on the edge of my bed looking around the room.

I never thought in my childhood that I would be sitting here, no friends, no parents, no significant other, no anything to celebrate or be sad about my going away. I never thought in my childhood that I would be here scars destroying my wrists. And I never thought that I would be here wishing to get away from here, hoping that anywhere in the world is better than this place. Because I had a good childhood, one with loving parents and a lot of good friends who would stand by me through anything. It wasn't until the rumours started flying that the good in my life turned to bad, the love in my life turned to disgust and the friends turned into enemies. I couldn't really be that mad at the person who started the rumours because I am bisexual, so they were right there, even helped me discover it. I was never bitter about my childhood, never once nostalgic, but as I sat in my room looking around I felt a wave of sadness sweep over me. I blinked away the tears quickly, not giving myself the option to cry.

"Daniel, let's go." My parents appeared at my doorway looking expressionless like always. They each grabbed two boxes and started to make there way downstairs. I followed their lead, grabbing two boxes and walking down. My parents put the boxes in the back of the trunk and went to sit in the car. I sighed knowing that there was still another two trips for me alone. I put the boxes I was carrying in and started my way back up again.

By the time that I was holding the last box, I was panting and sweating. I held the last box in my hand and looked back at my room one more time. It looked empty, bare and depressing. I smiled slightly and all the memories in my room and inhaled deeply. As I shut the door, I knew that I would never see that room ever again and strangely I was okay with that.

The ride to the university was quiet. My parents did not talk nor did I. As we drove I watched the sights drive by. I had never been to Manchester before so this was going to be a new experience making me slightly excited for the trip. It was a strange feeling, after being so isolated from the world this past year and now I was going to try to be integrated back into society. As I watched the school come into view, butterflies flew into my stomach and my throat started to tighten. I looked at the school with wide eyes so amazed at how castle like it looked.

"Well here we are, we'll help you bring your boxes upstairs." My parents parked the car and quickly got out, probably trying to finish as fast as they could. We each grabbed a box and made our way up to the table where we learned what room I was going to be in. Once I got my room assignment and key, we started to make our way upstairs. As we got close to my room, I felt butterflies at who I was going to be roomed with. What if they were even ruder then the people I used to have to deal with? I stuck my key into the hole and turned, hearing the click of the lock as the door swung open. Inside was a boy who looked maybe a year older than me who was already unpacking his stuff, he looked up as we entered.

"Hey mate, the names Charlie." He stuck out his hand for me to shake, so I quickly put my box down on the ground and gripped his hand.

"Dan." He smiled slightly and nooded.

"I didn't know what bed you would want so I waited for you." I looked around the room and noticed just how tiny it was, with two beds, a desk, a night table, two dressers and a little extra moving space. The walls were also a dreary, depression beige colour that we would need to cover up asap. The beds looked to be in both equal places so it didn't quite matter to me, so I shrugged.

"Doesn't matter to me man." I heard my father cough behind me.

"Daniel, let's go get the rest of your boxes, me and your mother need to leave." I nodded and turned around, making my way back down the long stairs. About 15 minutes later all of the boxes were moved into my room and my parents were standing awkwardly in my door.

"Well goodbye." My dad waved a little, a small smile on his face and turned away. My mom nodded at me before turning and following my dad out.

"Your parents aren't very affectionate are they?" I shook my head, not wanting to go into details. While I had been moving in boxes, Charlie had chosen his bed and his dresser and had started unpacking. I followed his lead, folding my clothes carefully into their proper drawers and making my bed. Once mostly everything had been unpacked, I stared at my boxes. In one of the boxes there was just one thing: my razors. I knew that I should have just thrown them out, but it was too late now. I grabbed a pair of socks and stuffed them into the socks, shoving them to the bottom of my sock drawer and away from temptation.

"So where are you from?" The silence of the room had been getting to me, pressing upon me to the extent that I had to make small talk.

"Pudsey, you?"

"Berkshire." With that our conversation ended and we sat in silence again. The silence was an awkward silence and made me feel uneasy. "So what are you majoring in?"

"English Lit, you?" Charlie talked in short sentences not giving me much chance to comment.

"Law." He nodded his head and went back to unpacking. It took us about an hour and a half to unpack everything and make our room livable. Once we had, Charlie got up, grabbed his key and left the room. I sighed, knowing very well that I had left behind one bad life to enter another. I waited about 15 minutes or so to see if Charlie would come back and when he didn't I followed his lead and left the room to explore the town. I walked around the town of Manchester, exploring all the little shops and streets. I was walking with a starbucks in my hand when I heard my name being called, uncertain.

"Dan?" I continued to walk, unsure of who was calling me or if they were calling me. "Danisnotonfire is that you?" I stop at the name of my twitter username and my old youtube name bringing back all the bad memories. I turned around on my heel to see none other than Phil Lester walking toward me with a smile on his face. "Wow it's been a long time."


	5. Chapter 5

"Sorry do I know you?" The words left my mouth before I even had time to think about it. I don't know why I said it since I knew exactly who he was. He was Phil Lester, the YouTube sensation and part of the reason why my arm was so destroyed. But as soon as the words left my mouth I instantly regretted it because Phil's face just dropped. He looked upset, but I could tell he was trying to hide it. I bit my lip and shook my head, smiling slightly. "AmazingPhil, how could I forget? How are you?" Phil's face instantly burst into a smile, his face brightening.

"I'm good, you busy? Want to get a coffee?" I looked at my watch quickly to pretend like maybe I was busy and then nodded, what else did I have to do? We walked in silence toward the Starbucks only a couple stores down. As we walked I continued to bite my lip, conflicted in my emotions. On one hand I was happy that Phil and I had run into each other, maybe we could be friends like I had always wanted. But on the other hand, I had so many bitter feelings toward Phil who had forced me to post the video, which resulted in so many new scars added to my wrist. I let my emotions battle with themselves until Phil held the door open for me and then I swallowed my emotions. I would just let the past be the past and would move on to the future. "You go sit down and I'll get you a coffee." I looked at him to make sure and when he nodded, I went and found us two chairs across from each other. I sat watching a couple look at each other longingly while eating a muffin and stroking my arm. I was startled out of my trance when Phil placed two cups in front of me. "I got you a caramel macchiato, hope that's okay." He smiled as I picked up the cup and took a drink. The warm liquid was delicious as it slid down my throat and into my stomach.

"It's delicious, thank you." I smiled at him as he took a sip of his own. We sat in, slightly awkward, silence as we drank, until he coughed and opened his mouth.

"What ever happened to you? One day you were fine and the next you dropped off the face of the earth, never again to be heard of, I got sort of worried." Phil's voice was slightly sad as he spoke and I bit the inside of my mouth. I was going to have to be very careful in my answer.

"I went through a really rough time so it was just easier for me to shut everyone out." I spoke in almost a whisper and Phil started leaning in to hear me. "I never thought about anyone being worried, sorry." Phil swallowed and looked at his hand.

"Are you okay now?" Phil's eyebrows were knitted together as he looked at me. I quickly faked a smile and nodded.

"I'm great now." My thumb ran over my arm, able to feel all of the bumps while I spoke. I felt kind of bad lying, but no one knew yet, so why would I tell, practically, a stranger? I guess my smile wasn't as happy as I thought it was because Phil's lips turned down in a frown before he changed his mind and smiled.

"Good to hear, so what are you doing in the great city of Manchester?" Phil's mouth was slightly to the side as he talked, bringing me back to all those hours that I would sit in my room and watch his videos, memorizing his face. Phil raised his cup to his lip and took a sip, making me wish I were that cup. I shook my head and smiled, there was no way I was falling back into my old routines. I would try to be friends with Phil but no more, being romantically linked with a guy just caused trouble.

"I'm starting Uni." I smiled like I was proud of myself, but really I didn't even know if I wanted to do Uni this year. I knew that studying law in Uni would make me look smart but I had always wanted to be an actor, but when I was young I realized that that would never take me anywhere so I had to do something else.

"Oh what are you studying?" Phil raised his eyebrow inquisitively.

"Law." My voice came out less strong and proud then I wanted it to but Phil didn't notice and only smiled. We sat in silence again for a while, finishing our drinks until Phil looked at his watch and noted the time. "Do you have to go?" Phil nodded slightly and sighed.

"I'm sorry, I have to go meet my girlfriend." For some reason when the word left his lips I felt my heart pang a little with the thought but smiled anyways. "Here put your number in my phone and I'll text you and we can meet up again another day." Phil slid me over his iPhone and I put my name and number in it, smiling as I handed it back. "It was nice actually meeting you in person even if it was a year after we originally planned." Phil smiled as he stood up, walking out of the Starbucks and leaving me to find my way back to the university. It was dark out by the time I got back and Charlie was already back in our room on the computer.

"Have a nice day then?" I asked as I sat down and pulled my laptop toward me. He didn't respond and barely acknowledged me. "Ya I meet up with an old friend today it was nice." I spoke to mostly myself until he put headphones in to ignore me. I sighed; this year was going to be hard if he was going to act like that all year. I shook my head and grabbed out my headphones, plugging them in and opening up the Internet. I hesitated before typing in twitter and logging in. It was weird it had been over a year but yet there was all my tweets and followers and DMs and everything. Apparently while I had been off the internet Phil had DMed me even more times asking how I was, but of course I never got them. I moved my cursor and clicked on the bar and started typing. It was strange trying to get back into the swing of twitter and figure out what I should write.

" Danisnotonfire: Had a pretty successful first day in Manchester hopefully it'll be a good year."

I sighed at how cheesy that sounded but tweeted it anyways. I quickly got off that website and onto another one. It had been even longer since I had gone on YouTube, the last time being to delete my terrible video, but the website was still so familiar to me. I hesitated slightly before typing in Phil's username. I hit his first video he ever made and settled in for a long night. I watched almost three hours of Phil's videos before deciding that I needed sleep.

That night I dreamt that I was back in my old room, the computer screen on and my horrible video on replay. Every time it replayed comments would flash across my eyes, horrible comments made by Phil himself. When the screen finally shut off, I looked up to see a crowd of people from my school with Phil at the front. They were yelling insults at me, each one getting harsher and harsher as they did until finally Phil stuck his hand out for silence. He opened his mouth to speak but no words were coming out, the only thing was blood. Phil started coughing and spluttering, as blood poured from his mouth down his lips and onto his chin, down his throat and eventually dripping onto the ground. I stared as Phil started coughing up something, more blood falling to the ground along with something small, grey and metal. I moved closer to the object to find that it was razors, Phil was coughing up razors. Phil looked at me and whispered something that I didn't quite understand. "You did this to me." He whispered again, smiling with his teeth covered in blood. My eyes grew large before Phil fell to the ground, blood pooling. The insults started flying again, louder and louder until I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up with a start, a layer of sweat making my fringe cling to my forehead.

"Honestly mate." Charlie mumbled from his bed across the room.

"I'm sorry." I grabbed a towel, my toiletries and a clean pair of pants, slipped on my shower shoes and walked toward the shared bathroom that was only a couple feet down the hall. The bathroom was empty and I realized that I hadn't even checked what time it was before I left. I shrugged and placed my clothes on the bench beside the shower and climbed in. I let the water run over my body and wash away all of the sweat from my nightmare. The picture of Phil smiling with blood on his teeth was stuck in my mind, burning a hole in my eyelids. I ran my fingers through my wet hair, allowing the shampoo to lather and wash away any final traces of sweat that had clung to my hair.

When I was finished my shower I got out and went to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes already had bags under them from the previous year of depression, but I had never looked as bad as I did now. The nightmare was haunting me, grabbing hold of my mind and not letting go. I sigh, sitting down on the bench and holding my head in my hands. What had the dream even meant? Was it just because I had seen Phil, bringing back all the bad memories in my life? Shaking my head, I got up and pulled on my boxers and pj pants. I looked on the clock hanging on the wall to see that it was already 5:30 in the morning, either I had slept longer than I thought or I had spent longer in the shower than I thought; the latter more probable. I didn't have classes for another week so I didn't have anywhere to be, but I knew that I had absolutely no chance of getting back to sleep. So when I returned back to my dorm room, I did the only thing I could think of; I grabbed my laptop and left off where I had been in Phil's videos. By the time that Charlie woke up I was almost up to where I had left off almost a year ago, I was excited to see Phil's new videos, but I was also nervous to think about anything that Phil's new videos could stir up in my subconscious.

"Next time, can you not wake up?" Charlie's voice was flat and rude as he left the room, leaving me to sit looking at his messy bed. I had just started Phil's next video when my phone buzzed beside me. I quickly picked up my phone to see that an unknown number had texted me.

**From: 076828106 ****_9:34 am.: _**_ Hey it's Phil, lunch today? _

I found myself smiling while looking at my phone. Shaking my head, I wiped the smile off my face and texted Phil back. No way was I going to be a schoolgirl with a crush.

The next video I started to watch was one that I had never seen, one about two months after I had disappeared off the face of the earth. It started with Phil's usual greeting but he looked sadder than usual.

"Hey guys, how are you?" Phil coughed slightly, his eyes sad. "I'm okay, but I have to tell you guys about something that happened lately. I lost a great friend, I mean we never even met in person but we used to have these great chats on twitter or youtube or other sites. Every night we would talk about little trivial things, things that you would think would never matter. But now that they're gone I miss them a lot you know? I keep checking everything just to see if maybe, just maybe he'll respond and everything will go back to how it used to be, but nothing. He just disappeared one day, taking with him our friendship and what feels like a great part of me. I don't know if you guys know this but I don't have that many friends, I mean I have some but not a lot of best friends, but he was like a best friend to me and now he's gone. I don't know if you guys even understand what I'm talking about what I had to tell someone that I miss. So Dan if you're watching this please just come back to me, please. Well that's really about all that's happened to me, bye guys."

The video went black and I felt my stomach dropped slightly. I hadn't realized how much my disappearance had affected Phil or his life. I never even guessed that someone would even feel even remotely attached to me. I blinked away some tears that had kind of collected in my eyes and shut the laptop, I was going to try and make it up to Phil.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** **I'm sorry this took so long to write but with school and exams and isus and all the end of school stress i didn't really have time to do anything! so last night i wrote a chapter but i ended up not using that chapter so basically i wrote two whole chapters in one day! haha anyways, i changed somethings in the story and all that because its an au remember? haha so ya (: enjoy! (p.s. it's not exactly edited well due to homework so sorry about any mistakes!)**

I started the long walk to the restaurant that Phil and I were going to meet at and couldn't help but smile. The thought of Phil and I actually being friends was exciting, finally getting what we should have had all along. The walk was a peaceful one, barely anyone was on the streets and for once the rain was holding off. I arrived at the restaurant later than I thought I would be and when I entered I saw Phil sitting at the table, looking at a menu. I quickly made a beeline to his table and slid into the chair across from him.

"Sorry I'm late, hopefully you haven't been here long." Phil looked up and smiled his crooked smile at me. His smile sent butterflies in my stomach and brought me back to my days sitting in my room watching his videos.

"No no, I only got here a couple of minutes ago myself." I nodded and picked up a menu. "I suggest the pasta or the lasagna, they're both delicious." I smiled and flipped to the pasta section. There were pictures of many different types of pasta and sauces and at the bottom a picture of a piece of lasagna. We remained silent, debating on what to order until the waitress came back to take our order.

"What can we get you?" The waitress was a young girl with fire red hair. She smiled largely at Phil, a sparkle in her eye. Phil opened up his menu and flipped to the page that his food was on.

"Can I please get the lasagna?" The waitress nodded and wrote it down, turning to look at me.

"Can I get the same thing please?" She nodded and wrote it down as well before collecting our menus and walking away. "I decided to trust your judgment, hopefully it won't let me down." I laughed slightly and took a sip of my water. Phil laughed slightly, sticking his tongue out of his mouth like he used to.

"It'll be good, trust me." He smiled at me and I nodded. We fell into comfortable silence as we looked around the room. There were tables of families and friends and couples eating everywhere and the smell was making my stomach growl. "You're getting hungry too?" I nodded, laughing as I turned back to look at Phil.

"So what are you doing in Manchester?" Phil laughed slightly as the waitress brought over our food. The smell of the lasagna made my mouth water slightly. "You were right this smells delicious." I picked up my fork and knife and cut a piece of lasagna, sticking it into my mouth. "Oh my god, this is delicious." Phil laughed.

"Told you." He said before putting eating a piece of lasagna himself. We continued eating in silence until I realized Phil never answered my question.

"So again, why are you in Manchester?" Phil swallowed his piece of Lasagna and took a sip of water before answering me.

"Well since I finished Uni, I've been living with my parents." I nodded. "It's a bit different I'm not going to lie. I've been on my own and going back home wasn't fun, having rules and things and it's just different." I nodded, not really understanding what he was saying considering I never really had many rules, I had always made my own. "How are you adjusting to Uni?" I laughed slightly.

"Well we haven't even started classes yet and I've only had one day so you know, good so far." I smiled slightly, finishing my last piece of lasagna. "We getting desert?" I grabbed the desert menu, looking over it.

"No there's a much better place where we can get milkshakes not far from here." I nodded. " I mean if you want to?" Phil's eyebrows rose slightly and I nodded.

"Milkshakes sound perfect." I smiled slightly, Phil following my lead. We paid for our meals and left the diner. "You lead the way." Phil and I walked in silence along the street one or two blocks until we got to an ice cream parlor. As we entered, the bell above the door rung, signaling that we were there, and a young boy ran back out into the store.

"Hello!" Phil smiled walking toward the counter, "How are you?" The worker smiled and responded with a polite good.

"So Phil, what do you suggest?" Phil shrugged and looked at all the flavours.

"Well really, they're all good. Its really more what you feel like." I looked at all the flavours I could choose from and found that there was so many. I eventually settled on orange and vanilla, to make a sort of creamsicle flavour while Phi got Oreo. We left the store and started to walk. "There's a park nearby if you want to drink them there?" I nodded, grateful for the extra time I was getting to spend with Phil. We walked in silence sipping our milkshakes as we went. We got to the park very soon and we were sitting on a bench, drinking our milkshakes. "How's your milkshake?" I held my straw out for Phil to have a taste and he smiled before taking a drink. "Not bad, mines better." He stuck his tongue out and handed me his drink. I took a quick drink of his milkshake and shook my head.

"Ugh I got the wrong thing." We laughed slightly and fell silent again. There was something so comforting about being in Phil's presence that allowed me to let my guard down.

"So random question here, by why did you choose law?" I laughed and groaned all at the same time.

"Well because I've always wanted to be an actor but that wouldn't really get me anywhere in life so I just kind of thought about what would make me look smart and that just happened to be law, so here I am." Phil shook his head and laughed. "I know, but hopefully it won't be that bad." Phil laughed again and took another sip of his milkshake. I felt something hit my head, which felt suspiciously like rain. I stuck my hand out into the air as another couple drops hit it, each one heavier and faster then before.

"It's raining isn't it?" I nodded and Phil laughed. "Well my house isn't too far if you want to come over?" I looked at Phil, my eyes wide.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden." Phil shook his head and grabbed my hand, pulling me up.

"Dan, we can just play some video games. You won't be a burden, trust me. Besides, the Uni is way to far away. Just come on." I smiled and started to follow Phil, dropping my hand in the process. However, cliché it is, my hand felt empty without his. It felt like something was missing from my hand and Phil's hand was it. We walked slowly at first, still sipping our milkshakes. The rain was only slow at first, a bit of drops hitting the ground at first and we allowed ourselves the pleasure of walking in the rain. The was however, until the rain picked up. It was raining so hard and fast that we could barely see in front of us. I felt Phil's hand grab my arm again and find my hand as he pulled me along. The rain was cold but my hand felt warm, I know so cliché. As we ran it started to rain even harder and I found myself laughing. "Dan are you laughing back there?" Phil looked back at me, smiling and laughing along with me.

"This is so fun!" I found myself laughing even harder, enjoying running in the rain with Phil, my friend. As I ran I realized that this was the first time in a long time that I had actually laughed, and I mean laughed until my stomach hurt. It was an amazing feeling to just let myself loose and actually have fun. We got to Phil's house in less then 10 minutes, but our clothes were soaked right through.

"I'll go get you some clothes you can change into and we can put yours in the dryer." I nodded at him, already feeling like a burden. I sat in the doorway of Phil's house and looked around. From what I could see it was a relatively nice house, cousey looking and comforting, nothing like my old house. I sat in the doorway, dripping while I heard Phil rummage around his room. He came back within a minute holding some clothes.

"Thank you." I smiled as I took the clothes from him. In my hand I held a pair of track pants and a t-shirt. I frowned slightly and felt some nervous. "Um, I don't want to be a burden but do you have a sweater I can borrow? I'm just a bit cold." Phil nodded and went back to his room.

"Well come on then." I followed Phil into his childhood bedroom. His walls were green and blues, a brown wardrobe was in the corner and his carpet was slightly green. The bedspread was still the same green, black, white and blue bedspread that used to be featured in his videos when I watched them. It literally felt liked I had stepped into one of Phil's videos and for some reason it felt like I had belonged there all along. "I'll just let you change and when you're down I'll throw your clothes in the dryer."

"Thank you." I quickly stripped down to my boxers, feeling better without the tight, wet clothes clinging to my body. I slide on the clothes that Phil lent me and warmth spread through my body. I came out of Phil's room, warm and comfortable and found Phil sitting in the living room. "Um wheres your dryer?" Phil got up from the couch and grabbed my wet clothes, walking away from me. He came back a few minutes later and sat back down on the couch.

"Ready for some video games?' I sat down on the opposite side of the couch from Phil and grabbed the other controller. While we continued to play video games, I found myself falling into the comfort of Phil. I had never been so comfortable and happy around a person before. By the time that I was back in my dorm, my face was hurting from all the smiling and laughing that I had done at Phil's house.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: OMG i'm so sorry for how long this took me to write and how crappy it is! But with final projects and exams i literally had no time to write anything and then when i did have time i didn't really want to be inside on the computer because it's been so nice out! So basically i was just lazy haha! I don't know if this will be the last chapter for two months because i'm leaving for 2 months and i don't know if ill have time to write anything so we'll see! Thanks! (:**

It was maybe a week or two later when I heard from Phil again. I had started classes and liked them so far, but I didn't know if that would last. It was a different atmosphere from high school, one where I found that I didn't really matter. It was both a comforting and terrifying thought to think that I could blend into the crowd and not matter. I had always been the one that would always stick out, I didn't fit the mold and I knew it. I was sitting in the lecture hall waiting for my next class to start when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

**_From: Phil 13:58: _**_Hey why don't you come round today and we can play some video games?_

I smiled slightly at the offer as it brought back memories from the first time. It had been so fun that night actually having a person to do things with, to enjoy my time with. I sighed slightly though, the class that I had right now would last three hours and I still had to do the reading for tomorrows class. I smiled to myself and shrugged, well I may as well start the year off right.

**_To: Phil 13:59: _**_I have a three hour lecture but ill come over after then?_

I put my phone on the corner of my tiny desk. I hated these little university desks; they were so inconvenient and small that you could barely put anything on them. The professor walked in, smiling and cheerful as he put his briefcase on the desk and quickly logged on to his laptop. I opened my laptop, ready to start my note on the lesson. I saw a light flash from the corner of my desk and quickly grabbed my phone.

**_From: Phil 14:02: _**_have a good class and I'll see you later! :)_

I put my phone in the pocket so it would not distract me from my lesson and prepared myself for the lesson ahead. As I looked around the lecture hall, I found myself comfortable in my surroundings for one of the first times. As the professor started talking I found myself becoming engrossed in the lecture forgetting about Phil and the people around me.

Three hours later, the lecture ended and the class was dismissed. I closed my laptop quickly and put it and my books into my backpack before swinging it over my shoulder and standing up. I started to leave the room when I heard someone yelling. She was yelling to get someone's attention, but I knew it wasn't mine so I kept walking. I continued walking until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me," I turned around to a girl holding out my phone. "This fell out of your pocket when you stood up." I took my phone from her hand and smiled.

"Thank you so much, I would have been lost without this." The girl smiled and continued looking at me. "Would you like a coffee?" I blurted the words out before I thought about what I was saying. The girl's cheeks turned red and she nodded slightly, mumbling a soft yes. We started walking, in silence until we reached the café on campus. "My name is Dan by the way." I said as we got into the line to get our drinks.

"Dani, it's nice to meet you." I smiled at her as we took another step. "So you're majoring in law then?" I nodded and shrugged.

"I'm assuming you are as well?" She nodded. We fell into silence, it wasn't like the silence that Phil and I had experienced. It was an uncomfortable silence, one that was full of nerves and awkwardness. Finally, we were at the front of the line to get our coffee and I was relieved when we had an excuse to talk to each other.

"What would you like?" Dani shrugged looking at the menu.

"Um can I just get a black tea please?" The worker nodded, typing it in on the computer.

"Can I get a caramel macchiato please?" She nodded again and gave us our total, which I happily dished out the change to cover the cost. We moved over to where we wait for our drinks and stood in silence again.

"One black tea and one caramel macchiato!" We grabbed our drinks from off the counter and looked around for a table where we could sit at.

"There's one right there." Dani's voice was small as she pointed out a table and it irritated me slightly. Why did she have to talk so quietly? I knew that she was nervous but it didn't mean she had to talk so quietly I could barely hear her. I checked my watch as we sat down and found that we had been in line for 15 minutes meaning that I was 15 minutes late for Phil's. "So what made you take law?" I shrugged slightly; if she was actually taking law because she enjoyed it I didn't want to trash her ideas.

"Well I.." I quickly thought of an answer to her question that would not insult her. "I always like law in school so I thought I would major in it, you?" She nodded like she understood and took a drink of her tea. I followed her lead and took a swig of my drink as well.

"Basically the same and my mother is a lawyer so I'm following in her footsteps." She shrugged and took another drink of her tea, before checking her watch. We had been here for almost a half hour now and I just wanted to get to Phil's to play video games. "My class is about to start soon, it was nice meeting you, and we'll have to do this again some time!" I got up as she did and nodded.

"For sure! See you later." She left the place and I walked back to get in line. If I was going to be late to Phil's I wouldn't be coming empty handed. I looked back at the table that Dani and I had been sitting at and shook my head. I don't know if she actually had a class but I was glad for the excuse to break the awkwardness.

When I had finished getting our drinks, I quickly texted Phil that I was on my way and started to walk to his parents house. It was not a very far walk, but the weather was changing and it was getting colder with each passing day. I was at Phil's house within five minutes, I was inexplicably happy when I saw the house come into view. As I knocked on the door, I felt an unexplainable giddy sensation run through my body and I couldn't help but smile. Phil answered the door, a huge smile plastered on his face. His hair was messy and he was wearing a big sweater and some pj pants but he still looked perfect.

"Oh you brought coffee, how nice of you." Phil smiled as he took the coffee I handed him. His smile was breathtaking making me quickly shake my head. I couldn't fall back into the same pattern as before. I had to be strong and not fall head over heels in love with some guy I barely knew. But you do know him, a voice in the back of my head nagged.

"Ya I figured it was the least I could do for being late." I stepped inside his house as Phil opened his mouth.

"Who's at the door Phil?" A voice asked from another room. It was a girl's voice and it shocked me a little. It could just be a friend or his mom, calm down. I tried to tell myself but the memory of Phil's girlfriend came back. Phil smiled and walked into the room. I took my shoes off and assuming I was supposed to follow his lead, entered the room as well. On the couch was a girl, blonde with curly hair. She was pretty but she had a sort of snooty look to her. Like she was looking down upon me.

"Dan this is Melissa. Melissa this is Dan. Dan is my friend from the internet, remember the person I told you about. Melissa is my girlfriend." My stomach got a little queasy at the thought of Phil having a girlfriend and now I was here meeting her. I knew that I was jealousy and I really had no right to be, but I was and I couldn't help it.

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." I smiled and stuck my hand out. I was going to be the bigger person and be nice, for Phil. She smiled, fakely might I add, and returned the handshake.

"Same to you." As soon as our handshake had broken she pulled Phil down on the couch and spread out across it, leaving only the floor for me to sit on. "So Dan, how do you know Phil? I don't remember any mention of a person named Dan." Phil's eyes flicked from the video game on the tv to Melissa's face for a brief second.

"Mel, I've told you about Dan before." Phil laughed slightly and I saw his eyes flick to me, for a less then a second and then remained on the tv screen.

"So Dan." I coughed slightly and looked at the screen as well.

"Well it's actually funny. I'm assuming you know of Phil's videos?" Mel nodded and smiled. "Well I used to watch them from like the beginning because I stumbled upon one once and then Phil and I just started talking through comments and twitter and myspace and msn and stuff. And that's basically how I know him." Mel smiled again, a bit of a bitter smile as she looked at me.

"Oh so_ you're_ the guy who disappeared, okay." Phil looked at Melissa quickly, his eyes narrowed.

"He had a good reason I'm sure." Phil said before turning back to the screen.

"Oh did he? What was his reason then Phil? Why don't you tell us Dan?" Everything about Melissa was making me both uncomfortable and upset. I looked down at my hands clasped in my lap and shrugged.

"I just was going through a rough time that's all." Melissa nodded and rested her head on Phil's lap. We sat in silence for a while as we watched Phil play a round. It was nothing like the last time that I had been here. There was no laughing, no giddy feeling and I couldn't wait to get out of there. Phil played for a half and hour before he died, finally giving me an excuse to leave.

"You want to play Dan?" Phil went to hand me the controller but I shook my head and stood up.

"I should probably get going I have some readings to do. See ya later." I quickly walked out of the room and slipped my shoes on, walking out of the house before Phil could even make it to the doorway of the family room. As I walked home I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Melissa was going to make me loose my one and only friend, it was like high school all over again. I made it to my dorm within minutes and was soon curled up in bed, warm and comfy. My computer screen was playing some show, as I sat not really watching it. I saw my phone light up in the corner of my eye, but wasn't bothered to check. I had no desire to talk to Phil right now, if Melissa was going to push us apart it was just easier to stop talking to him now since it would hurt less. I stared at my sock drawer, the razors calling my name but I shook my head. I was going to be a new Dan, in a new place with a fresh start. I was going to change.


	8. Chapter 8

My "new Dan" started with a bang. I found myself full of fake confidence, full of fake happiness and full of bullshit. I found myself making excuses about dates with friends, that I didn't have, in order to put off meeting with Phil. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand the look in his eyes as I sat across from him or beside him and his girlfriend. So instead, I went to class or stayed in my room with Charlie getting worse each day. I had never met a person who was capable of being so mean and that was saying a lot. The things that Charlie said to me almost every day were even worse then the things that I had heard from the bullies at my school, they were so bad that I had started to cut all over again. My "new Dan" was even worse then the last Dan and I was pretty disgusted with myself.

I was sitting in my room, watching YouTube videos, and feeling sorry for myself like I always do. My arm was burning from the beating I had put it through last night and I had no desire to do anything but just sit on my bed with my eyes glued to the screen. That was until I got a text from Phil.

**_From: Phil 11:17 _**_Okay today we are going to get lunch whether you like it or not. Meet me at the same restaurant at 1 or else I'm coming to get you from Uni. _

I sighed and knew that I had to go, it had been too long and Phil was probably worried. I texted him back saying I'd come and sighed. Well if I was going to see Phil, I might as well try to look presentable. By the time I was finished getting ready it was almost12:30, perfect timing. I slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed my wallet and left my rooms for the first time, other than class, in about 2 weeks.

As I neared the restaurant where Phil and I were going to have lunch I found myself getting nervous. I don't exactly know why I was so nervous, I mean it was only Phil, but the butterflies in my stomach were making me feel sick. I entered the restaurant and looked around only to see that Phil wasn't there yet. The sign on the counter told me to wait until I was seated so I stood in the door, awkward as usual.

"Oh hello, table for one?" I shook my head as the waitress grabbed only one menu.

"My friend is just running a bit late, he'll be here shortly." I smiled politely at the waitress as she grabbed another menu and started to walk to an empty table. I followed her, keeping my eyes glued to the ground like I had been trained to do from my high school years. "Thank you." I said as I slid into the booth that she had seated me at. The young waitress smiled and handed me a menu before walking off, leaving me alone to wait for Phil. I flipped through the menu as I waited, even though I wasn't very hungry and soon find my mind wandering. For reasons that I didn't know, I found my mind wandering back to Phil's videos, one in particular that I didn't like to think about, the video made for me. I found myself thinking back to that video over and over again. Phil was just so exposed and open with his emotions while I was hidden in my room suffering in silence, destroying my mind and body.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Phil's voice brought me out of my trance and I shrugged slightly.

"It's fine, you're not that late-" My voice trailed off as I realized that I had been sitting here for over 20 minutes thinking. Phil smiled apologetically and picked up his menu.

"So what looks good?" I smiled as Phil and I slide into easy conversation about trivial things, like we used to. It was natural and I couldn't help but feel like we should have been like this all along.

"Are you ready to order?" We nod and tell the waitress our order; Phil orders a burger and fries while I order a chicken quesadilla. After we ordered, we fell into a comfortable silence. However, I found myself itching all over, nervous and afraid for being out in public for this long. I had accustomed myself to sitting inside away from people for so long that I was having trouble adjusting to all this freedom.

"So since I haven't seen you in, oh since Uni started, you need to catch me up on how things are! How are you liking your roommate?" Phil's voice was soft and kind and oddly comforting. I shrugged and looked out the window.

"He's a bit of a prat if I'm going to be honest." Phil nodded and took a drink out of his water as we feel back into silence. "But I have some other friends so it makes up for it." I lied, my voice catching a bit. I took a drink to cover it up, but Phil eyes me like he knew that I had been blowing him off. We remained silent until the waitress came with our food. We stayed silent as we ate, making it easier to enjoy our food.

"How's your quesadilla?" Phil had reverted to trivial food talk, which means that our silence must feel awkward to him whereas to me it was slightly comforting.

"Okay, yours?" Phil nodded and he took another bite of his burger. I waited until he was finished his burger and I was basically finished eating to bring up what I wanted to talk about. I coughed slightly and took a drink of water before turning my attention to Phil and opening my mouth. "I'm sorry Phil for what I did." Phil's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Phil's eyebrows knitted together as he responded to my question.

"All those years ago and I guess kind of this past month too." My eyes trailed down to the table as I spoke, avoiding eye contact.

"I thought we talked about this already?" Phil's answer was full of confusion as well as intrigue. I shook my head and popped another fry into my mouth.

"No not really, I never fully explained what happened." Phil nodded, pushing his empty plate away and devoting his full attention onto me. With Phil's eyes locked onto mine I started to feel like I was about to pass out. No one knew the full truth, would Phil find me any different? I took a few seconds to think about this before deciding that I would leave part of my story out, so that he would never know.

"Whenever your ready." Phil's voice was soft once again and he was smiling in that comforting sort of Phil way, the way that I used to love when I would watch his videos. Phil smiled and all my worries melted away, like I could tell Phil anything and he would never judge me.

"Okay so when I was in high school I was bullied, a lot." Phil's eyes narrowed and he bit his lip and he opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but I shook my head. "Just wait until the end please." Phil nodded and pretended to zip his lips, making me sigh at the innocent gesture. "I don't know why I was bullied, I was just the one who they picked on." I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach as I lied to Phil, knowing fully why they picked on me, and I found myself unable to look at him. "But everyone hated me, to the point that if I didn't run home from school everyday I would get the shit beat out of me. My parents didn't care; they barely even knew I existed. They were never home when I woke up or when I went to bed, they hated me. Really the only comfort was having you, a friend. You were the only person in my life who had never judged me, bullied me and you were the only person who actually cared. So when you told me to post a video, obviously I did even though I knew it was going to be a terrible mistake. I remember the nerves about it all, the feeling of panic and terror. When it was actually uploaded I felt a bit better, until I saw the comments. I don't know if you ever looked at the comments after you wrote yours, but they were horrible. All I remember thinking was how could people who had never met me hate me this much? How could they say such terrible things? I know now that they did it because society is messed up. Not because they were "insecure" as everyone says, but because society has taught people that you need to make fun of people who are weaker then you, pick on their flaws and insecurities until they break because that is how you fit in to society. Anyways, I also remember the feeling of panic that I felt. I was so scared that you would see those comments and you would feel the same way as they did and I didn't want to have to deal with that so I did what I thought was best. I deleted my video, logged off of all social media sites and then spent the year cooped up in my old room, depressed as hell. I'm sorry because I was so used to thinking that everyone hated me that I didn't think about you or what you would think. I'm not going to lie, but I couldn't sleep one of the first nights after I moved here, so I was on YouTube and your videos popped up so I watched a couple and I happened to stumble across one that made me feel terrible. I know you never meant for it to make me feel terrible or maybe you did, I don't know. All I know is that I'm so sorry Phil about everything I did." I finished my story and took a deep breath, keeping my eyes locked to the table. My heart was beating out of my chest; I had never been or felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Of course I had not told him everything, but I had told him enough that he could still shy away. We sat in silence again for a couple minutes before I finally looked up at Phil. His eyes held sadness in them and his mouth was turned down in a frown. He looked at me seriously before reaching his hand across the table. I moved away at first but then relaxed as he rubbed circles on the back of my hand, soothing me. Without warning, Phil flipped my arm around and pushed my sleeve back to reveal my cuts and scars. I quickly ripped my arm away and found myself running out of the dinner. I couldn't breathe, the world was spinning, I felt as if I was about to vomit and there were tears streaming down my face as I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore. I was as far as I could go away from Phil without collapsing. There was a park a few blocks over that I knew so I started to walk, the tears still falling. It felt like my hand was burning and my wrist was bleeding and stinging and hurting, but I knew that was impossible. I felt like everything was falling in upon itself. It only took me a couple of minutes to find that park but when I did, I felt a little bit calmer. As I scanned the park I found that it was completely empty, but that was probably due to the rain that was destined to come, typical England weather. I found a bench hidden slightly under a tree and sat down, pulling my knees into my chest. I rested my head on my knees, blocking out any view and closed my eyes. The smell of the park was calming but not enough to stop the panic attack. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe, my heart was spinning, I was shaking all over, sweating, and I felt like I was about to throw up at any second. I opened my eyes, but I didn't feel like I was actually in the park more like I was looking in on it. My chest felt like it was going to explode and I feared death more than I had ever before. I knew this was a panic attack, having had them before, but there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. I took wheezing breaths and tried to shut my eyes, but the darkness only made it worse.

"Dan, just breathe. Take a deep breath in and out." Phil was sitting beside me and I realized that I hadn't even seen him come up. How did he find me? "Ready in and out." I listened to him and followed his breathing instructions and soon found that I was able to breathe normally, I wasn't shaking and I didn't have any urge to throw up. "Are you okay?" I shrugged slightly, wiping away a few stray tears. We sat in silence for a few minutes and as we did the rain started to fall. " I'm sorry Dan, I never should have done that." I remained silent and rigid, knowing that he was right. "I just needed to know if you harmed yourself." I still didn't move, but tears were still running down my face mixing with the rain. "I needed to know because that would have been my fault, my fault that you had harmed yourself, my fault that you were hurting and my fault that you felt this way." I turned to look at him and shook my head.

"It had nothing to do with you Phil. I was already like this before. I was destined to be that kid that everyone hated." Phil's eyes were wide as he looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek.

"Listen to me. You don't deserve to be hated; no one ever deserves to be hated. You don't have to rely on yourself and only yourself, I'm here now okay? Also don't feel terrible anymore about that video, it's all in the past now and it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are given the chance now to become friends and good ones at that okay? And by the way, I don't want you cutting anymore. Whenever you feel like you can't handle it or you need to cut, I want you to call me okay? And just to let you know, whenever your roommate is being a prat you can crash at my flat okay?" I nodded slightly and sniffled. Phil smiled a sad smile and pulled me into him.

"By the way how did you even know how to find me?" Phil chuckled slightly and rested his cheek on my head.

"Well a long time ago you mentioned how parks were your favourite place because they always remind you of innocence and how they always calmed you down. So I figured it was worth a shot." I smiled slightly and moved closer into Phil, finding myself comfortable in his hold. How he managed to remember such a small detail about me impressed and flattered me slightly and I smiled at the thought. We sat there for a while, until we could no longer feel the drops on our skin due to how heavy the rain was and even a little bit longer, allowing ourselves to take comfort in the warmth of the other.

"Can I ask you a question?" My voice was small and my eyes remained forward, not looking at him. Phil hmed in response, granting me permission to ask. "Why are you with your girlfriend? You seem like to completely different people." Phil froze slightly in response to my question, but sighed and relaxed quickly.

"To be honest, I think it's just me trying to hold on to something that has long since disappeared. We were good together once, but now I know we shouldn't be together its just hard. You probably know how it is right?" I shook my head and sighed slightly. It was embarrassing, never having had a girlfriend or a boyfriend when it seemed like everyone around me had had multiple. "I'm sorry Dan." I nodded and mumbled a small it's okay. The rain had been falling for at least twenty minutes already, but we still hadn't moved. I didn't know if this was normal for friends to do, seeing as I never really had any, but I didn't mind. Phil's body was comforting, giving me the sense of safety I had never really felt before. "Okay we're going to catch a cold, how about we go on over to my house and play some video games? Get warmed up and maybe, just maybe I'll make you a cup of hot cocoa!" Phil stuck his fingers into my side as he said hot cocoa and I jumped a little, smiling as I did. We got up off the bench and stretched, apparently we had been sitting for a lot longer than we thought. We started to walk out of the park and over to Phil's house, walking in silence as we did. As we walked I noted in my head how I had told Phil about my past and how he had found out about the cutting and how he didn't care. Phil wasn't like any other person I had ever met. For once in my life, I had a friend who seemed to truly care about me and that to me was a different, but comforting thought that I would keep with me when things got tough, and believe me things got tough.


	9. Chapter 9

I fell into a pattern of Uni and Phil. I would wake up and go to class and then as soon as the day was over, I would head on over to Phil's house where we would do nothing but play videos games and just goof off. I found myself falling too easily for Phil and it was scaring me slightly.

I found myself often sitting beside Phil on the couch forgetting about everything else that wasn't Phil as he leaned into my as he laughed, that wasn't Phil's tongue as it stuck out when he laughed or that wasn't the way that Phil didn't look at me with contempt or pity but rather friendship and affection. Phil had given me something that I had craved all my life and now I was finding myself craving something even more.

As me and Phil sat on his couch one afternoon, sick of playing videos games and sick of watching TV, Phil pulled me down to rest my head on his lap. I felt my heart skip a beat and groaned internally, telling myself that I wasn't going to let myself have feelings for my only friend.

"Dan," Phil's eyes locked with mine and I got lost in them, cheesy so cheesy but literally I could look into his eyes for hours on end if I had the chance. "Do you ever wonder about where we would be right now if everything had gone differently?" I nodded slightly, looking away from him. I had thought about that every night for the past couple weeks since Phil and I had started hung out. "Me too, but you know something I'm just glad that we had the chance to start hanging out now, we were actually given the chance to get to know each other like we should have been able to." I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach at Phil's words considering it was my fault.

"I'm sorry." I whispered the words not wanting to break our peaceful, blissful quiet. Phil sighed and shook his head, his eyes turning slightly sad giving me the impression that I did something wrong.

"Dan, stop please. It wasn't your fault. I completely understand why you did what you did and have forgiven you a long time ago, now you need to try and do the same. What's in the past is in the past." Phil lifted up his hand and placed it on my cheek, making my face heat up instantly, my body tingle and my mind go fuzzy. I nodded slightly, waiting for what was about to happen, if anything was about to happen. I could swear that Phil was moving closer, just as I was about to move up to meet him, the door swung open and Melissa rushed into the room, her smile fading as she saw me and Phil together on the couch.

"Um what is going on here?" Phil pushed me off of him gently and stood up to meet his girlfriend. I watched as Phil went to her open arms and Melissa stepped back, making me roll my eyes.

"Melissa, clearly me and Dan are just friends, we were just hanging out. Come on baby, you know how I feel about you." I tried not to let that hurt me as Melissa pursed her lips and after looking at me stepped forward to kiss her boyfriend, keeping her eyes locked on mine after they did. I felt a pang of jealously in my stomach and reminded myself that Phil was straight and he and Melissa were together and I would just have to get over it. Melissa sat down on the couch beside me leaving no room beside me for Phil, separating us like I knew she wanted.

"Shouldn't you be going on your way now?" Melissa whispered as Phil came to the couch, making me roll my eyes at her. She knew fully well that within 5 minutes I would have left due to the fact that I couldn't stand her and Phil together. As soon as Phil sat down on the couch, Melissa cuddled up to him, nuzzling her face into his neck making him laugh slightly. I was out of there in 2 and a half minutes, making some excuse about tons of homework.

As I walked back to my dorm, my mind was full of Phil, his mouth so close to mine. I knew that Phil and I would never ever be together, but I could dream couldn't I?

The next day as I exited my class, ready to head over to Phil's house, I saw a sight that made my stomach turn cold. She was waiting for me leaning up against the side of the building. Her eyes cold and manipulative, sending slight shivers up my spine. When she saw me, she pushed herself off the wall and made her way over to me.

"Melissa." I said with no hint of emotion in my voice, making it as harsh as I could. She smiled a cold smile, which twisted her features to look even scarier than they already were.

"Dan." She was standing so close that I could feel her breath on my face. Her eyes were blaring with something that I couldn't quite understand.

"What do you want?" I spat out, her presence just putting me in a bad mood. She rolled her eyes and sighed, shaking her head as she did.

"I know about your little _crush." _She emphasized crush, making it sound condescending. "You realize that he is straight right?" I laughed slightly.

"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" She laughed a merciless laugh and returned to her stony façade. "And I don't have a crush on Phil." She laughed again, a little louder this time and rolled her eyes yet again.

"Mhmm is that why you were all over him yesterday? I could see what you were thinking and guess what honey? He doesn't swing your way. Sorry. He's mine remember? And just in case you forgot you have something down there that he doesn't want, so sorry to break your little fantasy but stay away." I laughed, keeping my eyes locked on hers.

"Or what? What are _you _going to do if I don't?" I raised one eyebrow, trying to look as scary as I possibly could. But on the inside, I was going crazy. How could this girl who I barely even saw possibly know how I felt about Phil?

"Well I could always tell him why you were made of fun of when you were in high school? Was it because you're gay Dan?" She put on a fake innocent voice, her eyes going wide like this was the first time she had heard this news. "Do you think that he will really want to hang out with a faggot? I don't think so. So either you stay away or I tell him and you loose your one and only friend. It's your choice." I couldn't help but feeling dizzy, Phil couldn't find out. She walked away laughing, turning around one last time before she said "It's your choice." Without warning, I yelled after her.

"Maybe you should ask your boyfriend why he is still with you. Ask him for the honest answer because he doesn't love you, never has and never will. Ask him Melissa." She didn't turn around, but I saw her stop slightly in her tracks before shaking her head and continued walking. I felt my breathing start to stagger and I started to get dizzy, scared of what would happen if Melissa were to actually tell Phil, my world would be over. Not that it wasn't already over considering I still wasn't allowed to see Phil due to the threat. Either way I had lost Phil. Phil was going to hate me when I stopped texting him back and I stopped going over, he was going to think that I had abandoned him all over again, right after I had found him again. Instead of walking over to meet Phil like I wanted to, I pulled out my phone and shot over a text to Phil making up an excuse and walking over to my room, ready to start my old habits again. I told Phil that I was sick and was just going to go back and sleep, which wasn't a complete lie since her threat was making my stomach twist and turn with nerves.

My dream was full of unrest and uncertainty, even in my sleep I was afraid of what Melissa could do to me and slowly over the next couple weeks, I started loosing sleep due to the guilt I was feeling for ignoring Phil's texts, still saying that I was sick. I knew that Phil wasn't buying it, but I couldn't have Phil find out about my sexuality. After three weeks of saying that I was still sick, I heard a knock on my door. I groaned in my half-sleep and rolled out of bed, walking over to the door and swinging it open. My heart fluttered and my stomach dropped all at the same time as I opened the door to a smiling Phil, holding with what looked to be a soup container.

"May I come in?" His voice shocked me out of my trance and I moved over slightly to allow him to enter my room. I shut the door and walked to sit on my bed, pulling my legs underneath me as I stared at Phil's face. "So how are you feeling?" I shrugged my shoulders, knowing how rude I was being, but I couldn't afford to break down. "I brought you some chicken noodle soup to make you feel better." He smiled handing me the Styrofoam cup and a spoon. I thanked him and opened up the container, just the smell of the soup made my stomach rumbling, making me realize that I hadn't had anything to eat yet. I grabbed the spoon in my hand and slurped a spoonful, making a noise of pure bliss making Phil laugh slightly. After what felt like a couple of minutes, Phil spoke, not letting his eyes meet mine. "What's really been wrong Dan? I know that you haven't been sick for three weeks." I sighed and shook my head, knowing that I couldn't answer truthfully. "Dan please don't do this to me again." I felt my heart almost break at the way that Phil spoke, like he was on the verge of tears.

"I'm so sorry Phil, I," My voice broke slightly and I looked away from Phil's heartbroken face. "I, I think you should go." Phil's eyes were wide as he looked at me in confusion.

"But Dan-" Phil started, his voice sounding so vulnerable.

"I can't tell you Phil and I think it would just be best for both of us if you just left, so go home to Melissa." I said her name with the slightest of contempt making sure that Phil wouldn't be able to hear how much I hated her for breaking what I had just rebuilt. "Please Phil." I didn't meet his eyes and I made sure that my voice was soft enough for him to hear but I made sure that my voice didn't crack and show Phil how hard this was for me to do. I felt Phil get off the bed and walk slowly to do the door, the door creaked open and I heard Phil whisper goodbye before the door shut and I allowed myself to break. The tears streamed down my face as I curled up into a ball and allowed myself to deteriorate, loosing the one and only person in your life will do that to you.

**AN: HELLLLO! I'm sorry just dont hate me please! (: I'm sorry for how short this was but with back to school and everything, i've been super busy and like i havent had any motivation to write but i did yay! So i'm hoping that ill have a lot more time to right considering this semester in school i have writers craft meaning my writing hopefully will get beetter! (yay!) SO i have some ideas of where this is going but if you have any ideas of what you want to happen let me know! (: Thank so much! **


	10. Chapter 10

Everything was dark, blackness swallowed me and I accepted the darkness as a cloak for the pain that I was feeling. Falling deeper and deeper into a place where I couldn't find my way out again.


	11. Chapter 11

I found myself in a very bad place very quickly. I couldn't find any motivation to go to school and was slowly but surely failing all of my classes. I had barely moved from my bed, other than going to the bathroom and showering, occasionally eating, and the fact that I hadn't moved in a couple of days was starting to scare not only my roommate but me as well. I knew I couldn't keep this up, but what was I going to do? I sighed finally sitting up in my bed and stretched slightly.

"Oh my god, he's alive." Charlie whispered more to himself than to me as I stood up and pulled on a pair of fresh pants. "Dude, are you okay? You've seemed pretty down lately." The look on Charlie's face was full of concern and it shocked me slightly, Charlie had never done anything other than make fun of me, calling me horrendous names. "Come on, why don't we get a coffee or something and you can tell me what's bothering you." He stood up, slipped on his shoes and grabbed his wallet. He was standing at the door before I could even process what was happening. He cocked an eyebrow at me and I shrugged, thinking about what else could possibly go wrong in my life if I got a coffee with my roommate. We walked to the Starbucks in silence; Charlie continued to glance over at me every couple of seconds, apparently just to make sure that I was still walking beside him. We got to the Starbucks, it was quite empty seeing as it was pretty late in the day. We walked up to the counter quickly taking our orders down and going to stand to wait for our drinks. Charlie looked at me with a weird expression on his face, like he didn't know if I was going to burst any second. We grabbed our drinks and headed for a table away from everyone.

"Okay so what's going on? You can tell me anything, I am your roommate." I sighed and thought of the pros and cons of telling Charlie what had happened. He had never been nice to me and he was basically one of the reasons that my arm was so mutilated. I didn't know what he was going to do with the information I was about to tell him and who knew how he was going to react when I told him why I had been made fun of in high school. I knew that the cons outweighed the pros, but having someone else know what was happening in my life seemed like one pretty big pro that I couldn't pass up. I thought about what I was going to say knowing that I was going to have to go back to my story about high school, this time not leaving anything out. The fact that in less that 5 minutes Charlie was going to know everything was scary, but at the same time comforting. I nodded and started to retell my story.

"In high school, I was the kid that everyone hated and simply because I'm bisexual. To be honest I am more towards guys then I am girls, but that doesn't mean that every guy I see I find attractive so don't worry. Anyways I was made fun of, bullied, beat up and all the other things I could possibly be. It sucked; every day of my life was like living in my own personal hell. Until I met Phil. I don't know if you ever watch YouTubers, but AmazingPhil is who I'm talking about." I looked up to see Charlie nodding, he wasn't shying away when I had told him that I was gay and he seemed to be actually listening to my story. "Anyways I had always watched his videos online and one day I started to just kind of start tweeting him and commenting on his videos. And then one day Phil was like well you like the same type of things as me and we kind of became friends. That was until he told me to post a video up on youtube. I knew it was a bad idea but I mean like come on, if your only friend tells you to do something you do it. So I posted it and got a whole bunch of horrendous comments, so I deleted it and then kind of spent the rest of the year curled up in a ball in my room, deeply depressed and hurting. I did somethings I'm still not proud of during that year, but you know." Charlie's eyes instinctively looked towards my wrist, considering he had to know by now. He frowned slightly and sighed, his eyebrows furrowing. "So I stopped talking to Phil probably hurting him really bad and then I came here, new start and all that crap. I was walking one day when I heard a familiar voice behind me. It was Phil of course; apparently he lives with his parents here now, which is weird and difficult to understand. Anyways we got coffee and caught up and started becoming really good friends." Charlie's eyes grew wide slightly.

"You started having feelings for him didn't you?" I nodded slightly and Charlie groaned, shaking his head. "So what you told him and he rejected you? That guy isn't good enough for you then." I shook my head and sighed.

"That isn't what happened. I wish that were what happened. Anyways so I started really liking Phil, he was so nice and kind and funny and to be honest he didn't look at me like I was a freak or that I didn't deserve to be here and it was comforting. I started spending basically all of my time over at Phil's house and then one day Phil introduced me to his girlfriend. Which sucks but I was okay with it, you know I get it he is straight blah blah blah. But I guess a couple of weeks ago, Me and Phil were hanging out and Melissa, Phil's girlfriend, thought that we were a bit too close or something. So the next day she came to the Uni and threatened me saying that if I don't stay away she is going to tell Phil the truth about why I hang out with him so much. I don't know how she found out that I'm gay but all I know is she's was going to end up telling him so I did the only thing I possibly could. I couldn't have my only friend in the world hate me because of my sexuality and I couldn't tell him about what Melissa said so I pushed him away, saying something like I'm sick. He came by about three or four weeks ago and was asking why I had stopped talking to him which I just replied with its better for both of us if you just go home to Melissa. The look on his face was heartbreaking; he literally looked as if he was about to cry. That was the last time that I talked to him and there's literally so much that I want to say to him but I cant because of Melissa. And you know something, he doesn't even want to be with Melissa, he just doesn't know how to end it, which makes it worse." Charlie nodded and looked down at the table. I heard a chair scrape behind me and the door opened, I turned around just in time to see an old man head out of the store. I sighed and shrugged, turning back around to Charlie.

"Why didn't you just tell him yourself?" I shrugged, shaking my head.

"Because coming out to my friends and family didn't work well, so I was afraid." Charlie smiled slightly.

"But you just came out to me and I've been nothing but horrible to you and you still told me everything." I smiled slightly, shrugging.

"Well I needed someone to listen and you offered so I took it." Charlie smiled and nodded.

"Well thank you for telling me that, I won't tell anyone until you want to come out okay? And just to let you know, I'd be flattered if you had feelings for me, I mean like I am a nice looking dude." Charlie proceeded to play with his hair, his smile so false and over the top that we both couldn't help but laugh. It felt nice laughing again, it had been almost two months since I had done anything outside of my bed and to be sitting here with Charlie laughing and smiling felt right. I belonged in this world and that was that. I didn't need Phil, I told myself even though I knew that I needed him like a heart needs a beat. "Let's get out of here, let's just go walk around." I smiled at him and stood up, walking beside him out of the Starbucks. I smiled as we walked side by side, joking and laughing. Maybe Charlie wasn't such a prick after all. We walked and talked and found that we actually had a lot of stuff in common. We had been walking for about 20 minutes when I saw the familiar figure coming towards us.

"That's him." I whispered quietly and Charlie looked over at me before looking towards the figure coming towards us. Phil stopped just a bit ahead as soon as he saw that it was me who was walking toward him. My heart ached as his face came into view. His face was no longer smiling when he looked at me, rather hurt and broken. His eyes were no longer alive with compassion and friendship, but rather confusion and sadness. I couldn't look at him for very long so I continued to walk. We crossed paths, neither saying anything even though I felt the slightest urge to reach out and touch him, just his arm maybe just so I could remember. We had walked another couple of feet when I heard my name being called.

"Dan." I turned around to see Phil coming towards us, slowly but surely. I looked at Charlie, my eyes wide not quite knowing what to do and he smirked, nodding slightly. I sighed knowing that I was being kind of childish, but the thought of having Phil so close and then having to leave him all over again was painful. He didn't come very close to me but it was close enough to see the stunning colour of his eyes. I couldn't help but stare at the eyes that I had been missing for too long. It hurt slightly to be able to be this close but yet so far at the same time. I wanted to reach out and touch him now that he was this close. Charlie coughed quietly beside me, breaking me out of my trance. He placed his hand on my shoulder lightly as if to tell me that I had to say something, anything. I sighed and focused my attention back on to Phil.

"Look, I'm sorry Phil. I really am." I said it quietly, my voice soft and slightly nervous. Phil's eyes were still full of sadness, hurting.

"Why did you do it Dan? Just please tell me why." I looked toward Charlie and then back at Phil, my eyes trailing between the two. Phil's face remained both confused and subdued the whole time; while Charlie's face was encouraging, telling me that I should tell him. His eyes were raised as we stood in a silent, stand-off. Eventually I sighed and shook my head.

"I can't Phil, I'm sorry. I want to, I really do but I just can't okay? I'm so sorry. Please try to understand." Charlie sighed beside me and Phil's shoulders slumped dejectedly, shaking his head he looked at me.

"I'm sorry to hear that Dan, but I just don't think I can handle your mood swings anymore, it just hurts too much. See you." Phil's eyes were full of sadness as he turned and started to walk away. The blackness was swallowing me up again, just as Charlie put his hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay Dan, I understand why you didn't tell him, but one day you're going to need to and now you might not be able to. But it's okay, I'm here for you okay? Come on, let's go back to the dorm and we can watch a movie or something." Charlie squeezed my shoulder and started to walk back to the dorm. I looked at the two sides, Phil walking one way and Charlie walking the other. Phil was now in my past and Charlie was now my future. I was going to have to try to forget my past if I was ever going to get rid of the darkness that was yet again threatening to devour me. I looked back at Phil one more time, before running a little bit to catch up with Charlie, maybe seeing Phil for the last time.

**AN: **I literally dont think that ive ever posted three chapters in three days, not that chapter 10 is really a full chapter but you know hah! i had alot of inspiration for this chapter and i have a pretty good idea of where i want the next couple of chapters to go so well see! Hope you liked it, probably not but you know ! haha


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next couple of weeks Charlie helped me get my life back together. He forced me to go to school, helping me with my classes and my homework. It was nice having a friend who knew everything about me. He teased me occasionally, but just a friendly tease, one that I hadn't had for a while. As the weeks went on and I didn't hear anything from Phil, Charlie and me got closer. He introduced me to his friends, who soon became my friends and soon I was able to go out with people and not feel afraid for my life. Charlie had stayed true to his promise and hadn't told anyone about my sexuality. I was grateful for the chance to have someone to lean on when I needed it. It was Christmas break now and I had decided to stay at Uni considering my parents didn't care anyways. Charlie was leaving in the next and then I would have the dorm to myself for two week.

"Hey Dan, we're going to a party tonight, you in? Last one before I leave!" Charlie looked over at me from on his bed and I smiled, nodding. I had never been to a party or gotten drunk and I planned to tonight. I spent the rest of the day on YouTube watching some of my favourites. As I finished yet another video of Tyler Oakley, who by the way was kind of my favourite considering he was out and was still confident in himself, a video which I had never seen came up. I clicked on it, stumbling across a collab video with Tyler and Phil. The face of Phil popped up smiling and laughing, so different from when I had last seen him and it stung. The hurt that I felt while watching Phil's face was immense and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the fact everyday, it was still in the back of my mind almost always. I finished watching the video and it flipped onto another one, allowing me to attempt to forget the face that only ripped a whole in my heart. I shut the laptop quickly and got up, grabbing my towels and heading on over to the showers. I turned the shower up as hot as humanly possible and allowed it to turn my skin red and raw to try and forget the hurt that was in my stomach. As I washed the dirt and grime off my body, I stopped at my wrist. There were no fresh cuts anymore, I had promised Phil that I wouldn't and besides with Charlie always watching over me now, it was hard enough to get a little time alone. I ran my fingers over the raised bumps and shuttered slightly. The bumps were just a reminder of worse times, a time far past. I shook my head knowing that I was making this up. The scars would always be a reminder of how weak I was and how weak I would always be. I sighed looking down at my wrist and for once allowed myself to break. For the past couple of months I had held myself back, keeping all the emotions in and allowing them to burn a hole inside of me. The tears came fast and furious, blending with water. Sobs wracked through me as I cried in the shower, while I continued to do the usually shower function. I cried as I finished washing my body, I cried while I shampooed and I cried while I conditioned. It was the only time that I could really allow myself to feel without having Charlie looking at me like I was broken, which really I was. I finished my shower and hoped that my eyes weren't that red so by the time that I got back to my room, Charlie wouldn't be able to tell. As I walked back to my room, I put everything that I had thought about out of my mind and put on a fake smile.

"Dan, hurry up we're going to be late since you take ten years to get ready." I sighed and threw on some clothes turning around to Charlie. "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying." I shook my head and laughed.

"Ya just got shampoo in my eye, what else is new." Charlie laughed but didn't look thoroughly convinced.

"So you ready to get completed pissed then?" I laughed and nodded as I started to blow dry my hair.

"You have no clue." Charlie smiled a weird knowing smile and turned back to his computer. I sat in front of the mirror, blow drying my hair and staring into my face. My eyes looked dead, hollow and empty. As I blow dried and straightened my hair I practiced making my eyes look lively and at one point even convinced myself that I was happy. "Okay finished, let's go." Charlie stood up laughing.

"Finally, that only took 2 hours." I pushed him slightly while I grabbed my phone and my wallet. We left the dorm and walked a couple blocks over to a house that was already blaring music. As we entered the house, the music became slightly overwhelming. I looked around at everyone who seemed already trashed as they danced sloppily together. "Let's do it Dan!" Charlie yelled over the music, slapping me on the back and heading over to the table with the booze. I followed suit, looking at all of the alcohol and feeling slightly overwhelmed. Charlie looked over at me and laughed. "First time eh?" He picked up a beer, opened it and passed it over to me. "Beer is pretty good, vodka gives you pretty nasty hangovers, tequila will more then likely make you pass out, and rum is good especially mixed. My favourite is beer but if you want a fast drunk go vodka. Just get a couple beers in you and go socialize okay?" Charlie smiled, "I'll be around if you need me." He grabbed a beer and walked away to a group of people who were standing around and talking. I took a sip of my beer and grimaced, it was awful. I took another sip and swallowed fast forcing the liquid down my throat.

"Beer is pretty nasty, I'm more of a vodka guy." A man said to me as he poured himself a drink. "I've never seen you around these parties before." His statement came out as more of a question and I shrugged.

"I'm Charlie's roommate and he told me that I had to come since it was right before Christmas." I shrugged again and took another swig of my beer, forcing myself not to grimace again.

"That would explain it since I remember all of the attractive guys that come around here." His smile was slightly overwhelming and his compliment made my face heat up quickly. "The name's Adam." He stuck out his hand for me to shake, his smile beaming in the dark lighting.

"Dan." I stuck my head out to shake his hand again before taking another drink of my beer. At this point I was trying to finish it as fast as I could so I could take another type of drink. "So do you go to the Uni or?" Adam shrugged and took another drink.

"I'm not really here or there." His answer made my eyebrows furrow, but he didn't meet my eyes instead turning to look at the room. "Let's go dance." I looked at everyone in the place; most guys were dancing with girls or a group of other people. Would it look obvious if I was dancing with one guy and one guy alone? I shrugged and finished my beer, quickly grabbing a glass of vodka before following Adam out onto the dance floor. Before I started dancing I took a big drink of my vodka and shuttered as the harsh liquid slid down my throat, making me cough. Adam looked at me oddly but laughed and continued to dance. As Adam and I danced I started to feel tipsy, as they call it. The room was spinning slightly and I found myself feeling giddy. I finished my glass of vodka and leaving Adam on the dance floor, grabbed another glass.

'You and Adam eh?" Charlie was standing beside me, his eyebrows raised. "Get Phil out of your system, but I don't want to hear any details okay?" Charlie laughed before walking away. I shrugged and taking another swig of my vodka I turned back to go to Adam.

After another 5 or 6 drinks and what felt like forever on the dance floor, Adam and me took a break. I was proper drunk at this point, stumbling and slurring as Adam and me chatted in a corner. Adam was in the middle of a sentence about something about his childhood, when I cut him off.

"Let's go somewhere." It wasn't a question, but rather a statement. Adam raised an eyebrow at me, smirking.

"I knew I was right." He stood up and held out his hand. I quickly finished my glass before standing up and following him. Walking up the stairs was a bit of a struggling considering how drunk I was. Everything was spinning and I couldn't find my balance. I wasn't able to think of anything and it was a peaceful bliss to, for once, not need to worry about anything. Adam pulled me into a room and I stumbled onto the bed, pulling Adam down on top of me. His lips smashed to mine, sloppy. As we kissed, I felt nothing in my stomach. This was my first kiss with a guy, but yet I felt nothing. I shook that out of my head and instead focused on kissing him. Our lips met messily, he bit my bottom lip and I sighed slightly. Adam took the opportunity to stick his tongue in my mouth. Our tongues battled as we kissed, our kisses only getting deeper and hungrier as we continued. Adam straddled me as we kissed, quickly pulling me up to take off my t-shirt. I sat there topless as we continued to battle, skin hitting cloth as we did. I quickly followed suit and ripped off Adams shirt, throwing it over to the wall. Adam chuckled slightly and bent back down to meet my lips again. We continued our sloppy kissing until Adam grabbed my wrists, pulling them up to the top of my head, holding them tightly within his hand. His hand slid down my arm and froze as he felt the raised scars. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he felt my arm. He stood up and grabbed one of my arms, looking at the scars in the light.

"I- um-" I started to explain, struggling to find the words, my words already being slurred.

"I can't do this, not if you're like that." He said getting up and after grabbing his shirt he opened the door, only to look back at me once more. "All the good ones are always damaged." He closed the door, but I continued to stare at the door just hoping that he would come back, he didn't.

The experience had sobered me up; well as much as possible considering how much alcohol I did have in my body. I waited five minutes before leaving the party and starting my walk back home. I had tears streaming down my face at this point. The very thing that I had been worrying about today had affected and ruined my night, how ironic. I couldn't help but picture his face as he saw my scars for the first time. As I walked I checked my phone to see that it was only around two in the morning and I was leaving my first party, completely pissed and crying. What a failure. When I finally reached my residence building, I felt calmer. Back to normality, of course the tears didn't stop as I walked, which by the way didn't help the whole drunk walking thing. I stumbled up the stairs and eventually got to my room. My eyes were burning and I was sure they were puffy, but I didn't care because really Charlie was probably still out and if he wasn't, who cares. I opened the door to my room, the light was on meaning that Charlie was in, so I expected to see him and only him in my room, I was wrong.

As I walked in, Charlie got up to meet me, smiling as he did. His smile didn't last mind you, as soon as he saw my tear-stained face.

"Oh my god Dan, what's the matter?" I collapsed then. I fell to the ground, my back sliding against the door and broke. All of the emotions flooding through me for the second time again that day. Charlie rushed up to meet me, his arms wrapping around my shoulders and pulling my head onto his shoulder. He tried to calm me down by rubbing my back, which in turn only made me cry harder. "Dan, what happened?" I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, I felt sick, I was having a drunk panic attack. Everything at that moment felt very in tune and real, I couldn't function and again I had the feeling that I was about to die. "Dan, what's wrong? Just breathe please." I was sucking in rattling breaths, ones that hurt my chest and made wheezing sounds. Nothing I was doing was helping, if anything it was only making it worse. Suddenly there was a new presence beside me, their hand on my shoulder.

"Dan, just breathe. In and out. You're fine, you're safe. Just breathe, breathe with me okay?" I knew the voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place whom. But I did what they asked, breathing with them. Within a couple of minutes, my breathing was back to normal, my heart was beating regularly and I could open my eyes without having the overwhelming feeling of needing to throw up. I wiped a few stray tears still on my face and looked over at the person who had calmed me down. I took in their face, my eyebrows furrowing slightly.

"How drunk is he?" The guy asked Charlie, laughing slightly as he pushed back a strand of my hair.

"I don't know I left remember?" Charlie laughed a small, sad laugh and rubbed my back slightly. Suddenly I clued in. I wasn't dreaming. Phil was actually in my dorm room; he was actually here in person. I tried to study his eyes but I couldn't quite focus on anything, blame the alcohol.

"Phil?" My voice was soft and broken, making Phil smile slightly.

"Yes Dan, it's me." I moved slowly and wrapped my arms around his neck, nuzzling into his neck like we used to.

"I missed you so much." I said, my words slurring greatly. "Please stay." I said before I blacked out.


End file.
